Manticore Survival Guide

June 27, 2010

When exploring a rarely-traveled forest path or wandering along a secluded mountain trail, one may, on occasion, happen upon a manticore.

Manticore at rest

By the time you are close enough to see the manticore, please note that it has smelled you coming for several hundred yards and is preparing to fillet you with its claws and devour your succulent human flesh. Its name, after all, from early Persian, means “man eater.”  To avoid an unpleasant end to your manticore encounter, please follow these simple rules:

  • DO NOT make eye-contact with the manticore. The manticore feels nothing for you but a bitter, venomous hatred, and looking into its eyes will send it into a fury. Look down at the ground and slowly walk backwards.
  • If you are fortunate, the manticore will feel such contempt for you that it will not pursue. To increase this likelihood, adopt a stupid grin, kick at the dirt bashfully, and shake your head and mumble a children’s rhyme. The manticore feels that it draws spiritual energy from the humans it consumes, and there is a strong chance that it will be so disgusted by your weak and ineffectual demeanor that it will let you live.
  • If the manticore chooses to pursue, you are left with little recourse. The manticore is a powerful, savage creature with exceptional speed, agility, strength, and leaping ability. You cannot outrun the manticore. You cannot hide from the manticore. You cannot reason with the manticore. Few have survived pursuit by the manticore, but one survivor reported that he managed to find a large tree and keep it between himself and the creature by running in a circle around the trunk. After several minutes of running, the manticore became dizzy, stumbled off into the bushes, and began to vomit. The man was then able to approach the beast from behind and sever its head with a bowie knife.
  • DO NOT approach a sleeping manticore. Do not prod what you believe to be a dead manticore with a stick. The manticore is a cunning devil, and it has lured many a naive traveler to his death.
  • DO NOT attempt to seek revenge upon a manticore who has killed your brother. The manticore will kill you too.
  • DO NOT attempt to hunt the manticore for sport. When you are in manticore territory, the manticore is hunting you.
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4 Responses to “Manticore Survival Guide”

  1. Jon Boisvert said

    Thank you, Lyndon. Is there anything in the manticore literature regarding their reaction to umbrellas? I usually have my anti-osprey umbrella with me in the forest, but am otherwise unarmed. It is effective in confusing or scaring smaller creatures, but the manticore seems not to take any such shit from the likes of us.

    Your help in this matter is appreciated.

  2. Robert said

    You are very welcome, Jon Boisvert, but I am sad to report that your umbrella will be no help against the manticore. The manticore will knock the useless plaything from your hands and proceed to feast upon your innards. Since the forests of Oregon are prime manticore territory, I suggest you tread cautiously.

    • emilbrants said

      Personally, i find that umbrella not entirely without use. It can hold of (with luck) the volley of spikes from its tail.

      (although they say the spikes can be a foot long…)

      And, based on your guideline nr. 2 it can have further purpose:
      swaying the thing could add to the naive and stupid facade. Also spiritually energy (or aura as i like to call it) is mostly presented by making a stand in the open. By cowering under the umbrella you look meek and not provocative.

  3. Reblogged this on Mort and commented:
    Now we’re talking.

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